Back to Normal...

Finally it's over. Everything is back to normal. Slept for around 12 hours ++ since I came home yesterdae.

Yesterday was the day she 'chu bin'.I was quite emotional that day & I bu shuang my mommy!!! She kept asking my not to cry, but the thing is, when she say that I donno why but I started crying all over again!( the fact is that I have stopped crying until she mentioned again.. ) Anyway, my dad and my sis kind of sided mee. My sister is a strong girl. At times I saw her teary eyes, but she always managed to 'swallow' the tears back.. I can't... I am so lousy...

Anyway, I had many thoughts yesterday. All the while, I felt that this wasn't my aunt's funeral. It seems to be someone else's and I could have easily thought that she's just sitting next to me, alive. The worst moment was when we were going to the viewing hall at Mandai, the place where we saw my aunt being pushed into the crematory. I didn't want to go in. In fact I was so scared of that place, I was crying even before I went in. I was really scared of that place can!!! Haiz... I just had that phobia... In the end, I went in, but I was hiding behind my sister all the time. My sister cried in the end too... But the moment we came out, I felt slightly better. It just seems like everything is settled and we are back to our normal lives. The feeling is very weird. I dunno how to describe...

Anyway after that, I accompanied my mom and other relatives to collect my aunt's bones... When I saw them, I felt so amazing that a person 1.5m tall is reduced to ash less than half a tin full. Life is so fragile, so small in this universe... Haiz... I held my aunt's bones... it felt so dead... I couldn't imagine that's my aunt.

After putting my aunt's ashes into the container, we are supposed to take her to Yishun Columbaria.In the van, the undertaker ask my cousin to shout to tell my aunt to cross the bridge and tell her to becareful and tell her where we are going. I was sitting at the back of the van, and as I looked out of the van( behind) I can almost see my aunt following behind us.. You can say I am superstitous but I do believe. After settling her down at the Yishun Columbaria, we were told not to look back after we walked away, because they believe that if we look back then my aunt will know we cannot take it easy and she won't be able to let go too.

Now that everything is over, life seems back to normal. Though sad, but I am not as emotional... Life is so unpredictable... It's like last week that I just saw her. I can still hear her voice callin me in my mind, see how she looked at me. But now... I really hope I can remember these memories... I only have them...

nitez pple.... im jobless again...