Sad + ANgry + Disappointed = I'm miserable...

4.30 am. Awakened by the loud thunder and lightning that seems to be flashing into my room. I found something to be even more scary, the light coming from the next room. To my horror, my sister is still up, typing on the computer. I don't know what she had been doin but she's neither studying nor chionging any important stuffs. Every night, my mom will kp to ask my sister to sleep early. In the past, I will side my sister because she really has a lot of work to finish then it came to a point when I realised that she had been talkin on msn while studying which explains why she cant finish. Now she still stays up late at night to talk to her bf or frenz or play maplestory. In the past, I will feel very xin1 tong4 because she has to stay up to complete her homework and wake up early in the morning, sometimes I will even help her do some of her homework. But now, I regret. I feel her life is in a mess... even if she don't tink so... She sleeps late at night (or should I say early in the mornin), den wake up in the afternoon, then eat lunch, then slack for a while then eat dinner before taking a nap at the sofa at ard 8 pm and waking up at 9.plus to watch tv then go online. A few months ago, she could also just dont go to school cos she couldn't wake up. Don't understand why sec schools allow this kinda bullshit nowadays...

Suddenly she just felt like a stranger to me. Every now and then, I constantly remind myself that she's at the most ' pan4 ni4' period of her teenage years, hoping she will start to dong3 shi4 soon...I talked to my mom for 4 hours on Monday, talking only about my sister. My mom told me to take care of my sister and talk to my sister cos she felt she and my sister had generation gap. But now I don't think I can handle it anymore. I feel she's too much for me to handle. It's way over my limit.

Now, she made me start to dislike her.. her bf... and her so called friends... I don't mean to dislike them... but somehow, I felt they played a part in the change in her. SHe told me about the change in her school life... from a low-profile volleyballer to a now "everyone knows who Sheila is". She likes the change and she felt happier. I am also happy for her, but I neva knew this change will affect me, her and my family.

I wanted to blog after she went to bed, but somehow I couldn't find my laptop anywhere. I was hoping that she's not using the laptop in her room after I shouted at her. I walked to her room but stayed outside.. I don't wan to doubt her. so I went back to the study rooms and my room to check for the second time if the lappy is there. it was only after checking for the second time that the laptop is not anywhere in my room or the study rooms that I returned to her room. I opened her door n I saw her using the laptop. I was really very disappointed... tears were already rolling but she didn't see it.

Back in my own room, I don't know why but I just stood there and cry... like a baby. I have neva cried so hard for such a long time. I thought I was angrier, but somehow tears just came rolling down. I could not control myself.. I was crying loudly but luckily no one heard me. As I am typing tears are still rolling... I am sad, cos the sister whom I have been very close with is no longer close to me. we have always said to each other that when we are married, we will still ask each other out and be very close... but before this day comes, we are already drifting... I am angry cos she no longer respects me, or love me. It doesn't matter how many times you say you love me, but you made me feel otherwise, not once, not twice but many many times.. I am just like another 'adult' tryin to control you. I am disappointed because you no longer need your family, you only need your friends. Have you thought of when's the last time you talk to us as a family and went out with us like a family? It seems like you are really happier with your friends now.

I don't wish to talk to you, so please don't talk to me... Cos everytime when you start talkin to me, you make me feel like you've changed back to the old Sheila... but after some time, things will jz remain the same.... it will only make me sadder each time...